We all remember some months ago when the opening of a, not even remarkably great, doughnut shop essentially ground the entirety of Dublin’s transport infrastructure to a halt. Slowly, it seemed, we all acclimatised to the idea that you could purchase Krispy Kreme doughnuts (that were already available in many garages and supermarkets) from the ease and comfort of your own car – once you’d taken the time to drive to Blanchardstown and wait in the seemingly interminable queue of cars.
Well, the modicum of normality that has returned to the commuter belt of North Dublin since people decided to turn off their jets and collectively cool them, is in danger of being lost. The simple reasoning for this is that Krispy Kreme have released a doughnut that is in a slightly different format to the doughnuts that they had previously sold. Given how cataclysmically poorly we as a society dealt with the initial opening of the shop – which, and again, I can’t stress this point enough, was simply selling doughnuts which were already largely available in shops in Ireland – news of this development should strike fear deep into our hearts, brains and any other organs which you feel apt receptors to fear.
We are forced to consider the possibility that this news, that they are releasing slightly smaller glazed doughnuts, known as ‘Bites of Awesome’ could bring about the end of what we like to tentatively call civilisation. The frenzy that will be engendered by people’s excitement at being able to obtain these doughnuts – essentially just their normal glazed doughnuts, but smaller and in a spherical form without a hole – could pose the greatest threat to 21st century civilisation. Violence will break out among the assembled throngs that gather to queue for these abridged carbohydrate orbs; depraved violence on a scale that we have not truly seen in the 21st century.
Know that this is what Krispy Kreme have condemned us to. This is what they want, the unfettered destruction of mankind. Still though at €4.95 a box, that is actually a very small price to pay.