People often say of presents, ‘it’s not the gift that matters, it’s the thought that counts’. If you know of anyone who frequently says this, or who has said this to you recently I would like you to call them up then, when they answer and you’re certain that it’s them, I would like you to slam the phone down to hang up on them. They are charlatans and fools and should not be trusted. It should be self-evident in such a materially obsessed culture that the only true metric with which one can ajudge the health of a relationship is through the monetary worth of the gifts exchanged. And so, with Christmas looming on the horizon like some kind of large, festive hillock, I would it is incumbent on us all to free up as much liquid assets for the acquisition of gifts.
Wana get your current life-partner that trip to that quaint English village with the chutney museum? Gotta start looking after them pennis. Thinking about purchasing your brother that documentary box-set on the stylistic evolution of lamps? Better get scrimping, and you better believe you’ve gotta get saving. If you would like to send your aunt on that 12 week introductory course on falconry, well, then you’re gonna need some serious cash in the slush fund.
All this is to say that, what with it being in the run up to Christmas you may need to get yourself a part-time job to help weather the financially-draining storm that is headed your way. To help you in this endeavour, we’ve compiled an arbitrary list of X jobs that we’ve found across a suitably broad geographic spread. Hopefully you may find gainful employment in one of these.
1) Debenhams, Henry Street, Dublin – Christmas Team
Many people consider themselves to be ‘team players’, but how many people can honestly say they are a ‘Christmas team player’? If you would like to find out exactly what the distinction here is then why not discover that at the coalface by applying here.
2) Bewleys, Grafton Street, Dublin – Myriad
I’m not gonna shit you about here, Bewleys are looking to hire personnel at a rate that I can kindly describe as ‘indiscriminate’ and at worst describe as ‘financially irresponsible’. They are hiring all sorts, cleaners, baristas, counter assistants and everything in between. They are even hiring someone as a ‘hospitality expert’, if you feel that any of these are apt descriptors of your skillset then shoot your cursor this way and get clicking.
3) David Cullow Sunglasses, Brown Thomas, Part-Time Team Member
I have but briefly surveyed the requirements put forward in this job listing for their preferred candidate, but second in the list is a bullet-point, in all caps, reading ‘ENERGY is a must!’ So if you have energy and would like to channel that into convincing people to buy, in the depths of winter, fashion accessories that are traditionally associated with summer, then apply here.
N.B. The third point in their list of ‘major duties’ demands that the ideal client attains ‘an EMOTIONAL CONNECTION with customers’. This is worth clicking into at the very least for its job description.
4) Mini Bus Driver School Run, Dublin
Do you have a deep yearning to drive buses and yet a deep and unshakable belief that the majority buses as they are are simply too big? If so then you should apply to become a mini-bus driver to ferry school children. It is your calling. Valid bus driving license required, obviously.
5) Tesco, Cork – Customer Assistant
Much like, in the inimitable words of Cyndi Lauper, some girls just wanna have fun, some customers just need some dang assistance. We’ve all seen these folks, staggering around the aisles, arms laden with groceries and then, right at the crucial juncture where they’re reaching up toward a shelf to pick up a bag of reduced to clear salad leaves, everything gives way and they collapse to the floor under a melange of cereal boxes and various tins of exotic vegetables. They need your help, you, a future Customer Assistant – it’s mainly just stacking shelves.
6) KFC, Waterford – Team Member
If you would like to become a part of an international organisation whose entire raison d’etre is to disseminate as much chicken in as many battered formats as is conceivable, then look no further.
7) Penneys, Mayo – Retail Assistant
If you are looking for flexible working hours, a structured and easily ascendable pay scale and to be surrounded by more low-cost t-shirts than you ever could’ve imagined existing in one place then this really is the job for you.