I would like to set things off on the right foot here, and as such, I am compelled to begin with a revelation. I know next to nothing regarding the exclusive world of high-end show-dogs. Sure, I’m familiar with canines, or ‘dogs’, in the general sense. To put my qualifications in this field into perspective: I own a dog, and once drove to Laois in an Opel Astra in the company of three dobermans – I am thus, far from what you might call a ‘dog expert’, but suffice it to say, I know my shih-tzus from my schnauzers.
However, if you were to plonk an alsatian in front of and ask me to run my hands over its flanks, assess its posture, then adjudge its profficiency at jumping through a burning hoop – I would be at a loss. I am aware that there are ostensibly people out there who specialise in the highly niche, and debatably futile, world of assessing profoundly well-bred dogs. Yet, it is to me – as I’m sure it is to most – an utterly alien world.
Despite that, you in no way need to be an expert to see that this dog is absolutely atrocious at doing an obstacle course. This Bichon Frise, who apparently answers to the name, ‘Winky’, is as comprehensively terrible at deftly navigating a polyester tunnel as its hair is devastatingly voluminous. Competing in the agility championships in the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show last week, Winky set a new low bar for the competition – a low bar which it then, walked up to, sniffed at, and decided against jumping over.
Winky, has perhaps the most louche temperament toward the very idea of competition in perhaps the entirety of the Western world’s history. He trots about the arena, glancing around the gathered crowd, with all the disdainful air of a traveling 18th century French duke insouciantly waving at the groups of peasants who’ve assembled to watch his passing.
One of our favorite moments from yesterday’s Masters Agility Championship Preliminaries, Winky the Bichon Frise! #WKCDogShow pic.twitter.com/p55IxGC5iH
— Westminster Dog Show (@WKCDOGS) February 10, 2019
He also accrues ‘faults’ at a truly hilarious rate. There are moments – such as when, standing astride one of the large obstacles, he protests against the very idea of haste and simply pauses to stand there and drink in the surroundings – where it is evident that he has done something that would warrant a ‘fault’. However, toward the end of the video, the ‘fault’ counter in the bottom right appears to be soaring exponentially for no evident reason. It is as if the judges are so furious with Winky’s irreverent attitude toward the competition that they are issuing faults for Winky’s very existence. By the end, we are brought to understand that Winky’s very existence is a travesty.
If Winky were an Olympic sprinter, about halfway through the 100 metres, Winky would peel off, run to a nearby coffee machine in the venue, order a latte and checking its emails to see if there’d been any offers for its old Ford Focus that it’d put up on a used car website, before sauntering back to cross the line. That is Winky, that is what we’re dealing with here. And, as someone who owns a Bichon Frise I can attest to their seemingly infinite capacity for idiocy.
By way of comparison, here’s the winner of that event, an incredibly hyperactive papillon by the name of Gabby. This seems to be Ritalin manifest as a hound.
“GABBY” the Papillon takes the 8″ Class Title!
More from the Agility Championship at the #WKCDogShow now on FOX! pic.twitter.com/Cv0XERwT7w
— FOX Sports (@FOXSports) February 10, 2019
Winky is both wonderful, and unashamedly terrible.