Everyone’s family is unique, except they aren’t. You’ll find that humans lapse into predictable patterns and they can be categorised as easily as any other animal.
Nowhere can this be seen more than at your Christmas dinner.
Here are the characters you will invariably run into.
1. The uncle who only half remembers your name
He’ll announce his presence with an awkward clearing of his throat and and then thrust a hand out to grasp and shake your’s. He’ll artfully dodge your name, maybe muttering a syllable that sounds like the first in your name. The conversation will be tense and strange until it’s finally interrupted by…
2. The aunt who fusses over you
She’ll practically bum rush you with a deluge of gifts, compliments, and cups of tea. She’ll insist on over-feeding you and fussing over your weight; which will never be enough, you’ll aways be gaunt and wasting away to her. It’s a bit overwhelming.
3. Hideous child
Did someone shave a baboon? Did a goblin of some description scramble up from beneath the floorboards? Who does this hideous infant belong to? You’ll wonder this as the repugnant rugrat scrambles around the floor like some kind of hideous Roomba. You’ll try to coo and joke with it as you would a normal child, but ultimately you won’t be able to adequately contain your disgust.
4. The racist granda
‘He’s of his own time’, they’ll say as your dear aul granda shrieks on about immigrants and foreigners. When he breaks into the speil about the thousand year Reich, you’ll sooth yourself with the knowledge that the next cold snap could likely kill him off.
5. The racist granny
Granny is a bit less vitriolic in her seething hatred, restricting it to meaningful looks and the occasional ‘Oh, we don’t like their kind’. You know you don’t have to visit her right? If her racism makes you that uneasy just bail. ‘Granny’ is just a title tacked onto a tenuous genetic link, there’s no real sanctity in it.
6. The weird cousin
This mouth breather always seems to sit directly across from you at christmas dinner, his pallid fisheyes dumbly regarding you with. He chews with his mouth open, the dark feted orifice aimed directly at you, funnelling the wet slapping sound directly into your ears.
There’s a smell too.
7. The successful cousin
They smile beatifically across the table at you, their pearly teeth are like a spotlight that dazzles you; bringing all of your ungainly flaws to the light of day. In the light of their glory you are exposed for the grotty little fuck-troll you are.
8. The Racist Dog
I know people like to think all dogs are inherently good but Blondi here is a bastard of a hound.
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